Kolb Salad

by: Esteban - May 7th, 2013   Add Comment
cobb salad

Lets hope Kolb doesn’t turn into this after 4 weeks on the job.

This is a big year for Buffalo football. Well okay, when you’ve had the longest active playoff drought in the NFL, every year is big. Yet this Bills team is guaranteed to be different, especially when you fire of the entire coaching staff, ditch your starting quarterback, clear out aging defensive veterans, and declare open competition at all positions. Ralphie can’t say that Buddy isn’t making an effort to keep his job, and I’m proud of him for not pulling another Mario Williams signing. Speaking of off season transactions, lets dive into a few.

Removed Chan Gailey & incumbent staff, acquired Doug Marrone & brand new staff

I never had anything against Gailey, besides often making boneheaded coaching decisions. It was time to get more aggressive and less old-school with football coaching, and that’s where Marrone comes in, giving his Syracuse coaching staff positions and bringing in newcomers like ex-Jets D-Coordinator Mike Pettine (abandoning ship at the perfect time), Wide Receivers coach Ike Hilliard (who worked wonders with the Redskins pass catchers last year), and Saratoga Springs native Anthony Weaver taking over a hungry defensive line. Here’s hoping that Marrone takes advantage of the chance to bring new enthusiasm and excitement to the squad all while being the next NFL spokesman for Skoal.

Jettisoned Ryan Fitzpatrick, acquired Kevin Kolb, drafted EJ Manuel

Arguably the biggest and most controversial acquisition of the off-season, Kolb quasi-replaces a competent but severely overpaid Fitzpatrick on the Bills roster. While showing flashes of ability behind an atrocious Arizona offensive line, he has struggled with his health and having a double chin as big as Jay Cutler’s. Kolb’s steady incompetency might be just what EJ Manuel needs to learn the playbook and develop Kapernick style.  Dude is big and strong, and that’s nice to have in a QB. Lets see how smart he becomes after a year.

Removed David Nelson and Donald Jones, replaced with Robert Woods and Marquise Goodwin

Buffalo Rumblings covers this swap job pretty well, and I can’t complain. Upgrading inconsistent oft-injured WR’s with cheaper and faster ones is always a good play, and should provide greater offensive flexibility and allow CJ Spiller to stay behind the line as a full time RB.

Said goodbye to last years LB’s, brought in 7 newbies

Excluding last year, the Jets did have a pretty good defense with relatively unknown commodities. I hope that the athleticism and enthusiasm towards improving our horrific defense is there from the start, because it can’t get any worse than last year.

The middle of the schedule could prove difficult, playing the Saints -> Chiefs -> Steelers, though they get a week’s rest before competing against the Falcons and a nice run of Panthers -> Jets -> Ravens -> Thursday evening Browns for weeks’ 2 through 5.  You also have to love book-ending the Patriots this year to relieve some of the pressure.  If the Bills can manage to best the Dolphins twice and avoid injury, it wouldn’t be absurd to get a record of .500 this year.

The Mean Streets of Burlington

by: Esteban - March 14th, 2013   Add Comment

I got nothing against crossing guards. I see their purpose and they do their job well: helping kids cross the street when it’s time for them to start the school day. I drive by two of them on the way to work every day.  The second one carries a bunch of dog snacks for the early morning pet lovers. However, one event witnessed this morning brought me to examine this small, insignificant piece of everyday life in a city with a middle school in the middle of the city.

The intersection was particularly busy, lots of folks bustling to work, lots of kids yearnin’ for learnin’. X-ing guard #1 (lets call him Japeth) is doing his best stop sign impression, allowing a few folks to cross the street. A college student crosses the other way unhelped and unimpeded. However, kitty corner across from Japeth, a father and his young daughter are standing on the corner waiting.  What brought me pause was that the driver of a large white van honked a bit, rolled down his window and told the overly-patient family that they could cross “no worries!”.  Yet they stayed as stolid as Sean Bean on the executioners block. This proceeded as Japeth chose to stay on his side of the street, helping a new pair cross, while leaving the waiting party idle, whereas I turned right.

What’s going on here?!? Yes, Japeth is doing his job and doing it well, but most of the people driving at 7:50 AM on a weekday aren’t crazy dumb road-ragy drivers on their way to the liquor-mart for some early morning bum wine. Dare I say that most people are super aware of the needs of pedestrians in this area, and many are overtly kind to let folks pass. Furthermore, from direct observation, most children under the age of 10 are walked to school by a parent or guardian, who should be skilled enough to communicate with a courteous driver, look both ways, and guide their brood across the street to make homeroom on time.

Not a hemorrhaging blow to common sense, but one that will make for an inspired Quiet Man Drinking Game tomorrow.  Happy St. Patrick’s Day.

Mean Guns Drinking Game

by: Esteban - February 20th, 2013   Add Comment
Blam blam.

Blam blam.

I think Netflix describes Mean Guns best: a “relentlessly violent crime drama that features B-movie production values, tight editing and no shortage of gunplay”. I’ll say.  This flick should have had “drinking game” written all over it.

I had no idea Ice T could act! Though seemingly resting on his laurels spending his time playing video games and trying ignoring his wife, the dude could go back to this style and I would buy that movie ticket any day.  However, the main reason this came up on the charts was from discussing Christopher Lambert (who has a role in the in-production movie Electric Slide) after a Highlander viewing.  He shoots that gun brilliantly, even if I couldn’t understand half of what he said.

Afro Samurai definitely stole a scene from this movie for its Afro-bot testing segment, and I can see why.  Great set-up, awesome action, ridiculous plot twists, and the best part: Available through Instant Watch.  Get it goin’!

Drink every time:

  • Ice T is an ‘effin gangsta’
  • Excessive revolver shots are fired
  • The blonde lady delivers a one-liner
  • That silly spanish song plays

DEATH RULE

Drink every time the use of cut-scenes are terribly abused.

Surf Ninjas Drinking Game

by: Esteban - February 7th, 2013   Add Comment
surf ninjas movie poster

Leslie Nielsen as Colonel Chi. Mad respect, bro.

Much can be and has been said about this historic entry into the world of cinema.  Filled with action, romance, stereotypes, and Tone Loc, I had forgotten the magic feeling of fun and nostalgia that arises from Surf Ninjas and how wonderfully it holds up against today’s often monotonous and un-entertaining comedies. I had the great pleasure of watching Surf Ninjas with an obscure-movie veteran who somehow missed this one thus far.  His ringing endorsement should have all of you reassured that this one is not to be missed.  (Bonus points for following up with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze.)

I truly thought that mi hermana would have written this up before me.  Well her loss, and my (website pagehits) gain. Prepare to get jacked up.

Drink every time…

  • Anyone says “Psych!” or “Motosurf”
  • Zatch disappears
  • A new object is used as a weapon
  • A prophesy is fulfilled

DEATH RULE

Drink every time someone says Kwan-tsu.

Star Wars: A Drinking Game

by: Esteban - January 29th, 2013   Add Comment

I recently was inspired by Rod Hilton’s essay Star Wars: Machete Order to view Episodes IV, V, II, III, and VI over the span of 24 hours with my anti-movie aficionado mujer, who’s extent of knowledge of Star Wars was limited to Nintendo 64′s Shadows of the Empire and Rogue Squadron.

She kept her attention throughout the experience, even offering valid criticism…

 


And this spectacular gem:

 

She expressed a desire to re-watch IV and V to “get a better idea of what’s going on”. And was legitimately surprised at the “other” major plot twist. Huzzah!

As for me, Hilton was absolutely correct in saying that VI is far better with the extended “flashback” story of II and III.  Luke’s struggle to save his father seemed all the more noble, his conflict that much more meaningful knowing how bad his father failed, and the overall conclusion that much more wretched due to Lucas’s post-release vomit-fest of an edited celebration.

So, of course, I wrote drinking game rules for the saga. Some rules can span multiple films, but I’ve grouped them for meaningful digestion.  I hope you enjoy Machete-ing these films as much as I did, and for gods sake, save yourself some pain and get the original releases, or just get down with Episode IV + martini’s and have a blast.

Drink every time…

Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope

  • There is a blaster casualty
  • A main character appears on screen or is introduced for the first time
  • R2D2′s third leg is exposed
  • Luke displays childlike naivety
  • Darth Vader chokes-a-bitch
  • “I have a bad feeling about this”

DEATH RULE

Drink every time you see spaceship thrusters.

Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back

  • Sexual tension/insinuation appears
  • Anyone says “Degobah”
  • You see an impressive demonstration/use of the Force
  • The hyperdrive fails

DEATH RULE

Drink every time a stormtrooper perishes.

Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones

  • Anakin’s rattail is exposed
  • Anakin is referred to as “Annie”
  • Obi-Wan is a baller
  • Anyone is sitting in a group making administrative decisions

DEATH RULE

Drink for egregious lightsaber twirling.

Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith

  • Anyone is sitting in a group making administrative decisions (really George? REALLY?)
  • The Force reveals the future, or the future revealed by the Force occurs
  • Yoda’s talking method is abused by the script writers
  • Darth Vader chokes-a-bitch

DEATH RULE

Drink every time a dialogue’s primary intent is to entertain children.

Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi

  • Jabba or his pet laughs
  • Anyone says “master”
  • Anyone says “father”
  • Anytime an Ewok dies, or if you think an Ewok has been killed

DEATH RULE

Drink every time you catch yourself hoping/praying that J.J. Abrams’s Star Wars reboot is as good and well-received as Star Trek.