Mary Poppins Drinking Game/Why Bert Is a Pimp

mary poppins movie posterMary Poppins is a great movie.  So great, I still haven’t returned it from the family I borrowed it from. (Sorry Jake, soon.)  It’s a much better drinking game.  The rules follow the format of the now defunct lazydork.com, with the Death Rule being completely optional.

Mary Poppins Drinking Game!

Drink every time…

  • A song breaks out (including any instrumentals)
  • Admiral Boom fires off his massive cannon
  • Mrs. Banks submits to her husband, bonus drinks if this occurs immediately after a display/song of Women’s Suffrage.
  • You notice Bert being a Pimp.
  • Mary Poppins performs a bit of magic

DEATH RULE

  • Drink every time birds are mentioned, in speech or song.
I could end there and probably will in subsequent Drinking Game posts, but allow me to explain one of the more important rules to Esteban: The Burt Rule.
My dear college friend Kurt helped formulate this monster of a game for our college club, and came up with the Admiral Boom and Death Birds rule, spectacular in its own right.  My favorite one to point out (mostly because I like yelling at people to follow these rules) is the Burt rule, partially because it’s very interpretive, but mostly because he’s straight up Pimpin’ the entire film.
Please note, I’m not associating Dick Van Dyke’s character with sending out his wenches to work for his profit.  I’m merely indicating that he can bag any woman he wants at will, using his charm, talent, and The Game like negging.  Consider the following transcript from Bert, after all but sealing the deal with that prude-ish vixen:
Mary: Now then what’d be nice? We’ll start with raspberry ice, and then, some cakes and tea!
Gerald: Order what you will.
Monty: There’ll be no bill!
All penguins: It’s complimentarieeeeeee.
Mary: You’re very kind.
Gerald: Anything for you, Mary Poppins.
Abigail: You’re our favorite person…
Bert: Right you are. Editors Note: Bert could play this one safe and wait ’till the end of the meal to take her back to his slam pad, but watch this neg, arguably the greatest neg in history.
Bert: It’s true that Mavis and Sybil ‘ave ways that are winning and Prudence and Gwendolyn set your ‘eart spinning.  Phoebe delightful, Maude is disarming…
Pricilla: Janice?
Gerald: Felicia.
Harriett: Lydia…
Bert: Charming!  Cynthia’s dashing, Vivian’s sweet, Stephanie’s smashing, Pricilla’s a treat
Abigail: Veronica!
Monty: Millicent!
Gerald: Agnus..
Harriett: and Jane…
Bert: Convivial company time and again, Drocas and Phyllis and Glynis are sorts I’ll agree are three jolly good sports, but cream of the crop, tip of the top…
All but Mary: It’s Mary Poppins and there we stop!
Lets examine.  Bert just professed his feelings through song to Mary in Jolly Holiday, essentially establishing that they have a history together, and that she’s the best lay he’s ever had.  After a magic filled jaunt through an effing sidewalk chalk painting, he takes her out for a meal, cause the ladies love that.  Mary is delighted, and loves herself some sweets, since she knows Bert won’t care about how she looks after that wimpy diatribe.  However, Burt fires back with a serious NEG, which is complimented by the presence of penguins.  This should not be overlooked, as the penguins indicate a deeper meaning to this neg.  First of all, we know that Burt cannot jump into his own paintings without Mary’s help, thus she must have brought him there before.  The penguins seem to know Mary, but seem to know Burt a great deal more.  What I can’t figure out is how Burt can enter this magical world where penguins serve them mad eats, steal away and date/bag all these strangly named women, all while stringing Mary along and getting her to keep visiting his chalk world full of willing and ready targets. (all of whom I’m sure range from 3.8 to 7.6, way out of Mary’s league)
Watching the clip, you notice Mary getting supremely pissed off at Burt’s rampant display of infidelity. However, at the end, she melts, cause she knows that Burt is about to show off his sweet ass tap-dancing, penguin imitating moves to reel her right back in.  This whole sequence proves my point:  Burt is a Pimp.
In many other scenes throughout the movie, Burt exhibits similar spectacular behavior.
  • Performing in a one man band on the dreary streets of London, and actually snagging a few pounds off of his old washed up clientele.
  • Breaking the fourth plane and letting us viewers all know how pimp he is.
  • Dancing like Fred Astaire on a goddamned chimney.
  • Oh yeah, also, BAGGING THE MOST PERFECT PERSON EVER, Mary “I’m Straight Up Poppin'” Poppins.
If you still have doubts about Burt’s Pimpness, just watch Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.  You’ll get the idea.

About: Esteban

Esteban is the Editor in Chief of RantingEsteban.com. Check out his page on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @RantingEsteban, or send him an email.

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