Mean Guns Drinking Game

by: Esteban - February 20th, 2013   Add Comment
Blam blam.

Blam blam.

I think Netflix describes Mean Guns best: a “relentlessly violent crime drama that features B-movie production values, tight editing and no shortage of gunplay”. I’ll say.  This flick should have had “drinking game” written all over it.

I had no idea Ice T could act! Though seemingly resting on his laurels spending his time playing video games and trying ignoring his wife, the dude could go back to this style and I would buy that movie ticket any day.  However, the main reason this came up on the charts was from discussing Christopher Lambert (who has a role in the in-production movie Electric Slide) after a Highlander viewing.  He shoots that gun brilliantly, even if I couldn’t understand half of what he said.

Afro Samurai definitely stole a scene from this movie for its Afro-bot testing segment, and I can see why.  Great set-up, awesome action, ridiculous plot twists, and the best part: Available through Instant Watch.  Get it goin’!

Drink every time:

  • Ice T is an ‘effin gangsta’
  • Excessive revolver shots are fired
  • The blonde lady delivers a one-liner
  • That silly spanish song plays

DEATH RULE

Drink every time the use of cut-scenes are terribly abused.

Star Wars: A Drinking Game

by: Esteban - January 29th, 2013   Add Comment

I recently was inspired by Rod Hilton’s essay Star Wars: Machete Order to view Episodes IV, V, II, III, and VI over the span of 24 hours with my anti-movie aficionado mujer, who’s extent of knowledge of Star Wars was limited to Nintendo 64′s Shadows of the Empire and Rogue Squadron.

She kept her attention throughout the experience, even offering valid criticism…

 


And this spectacular gem:

 

She expressed a desire to re-watch IV and V to “get a better idea of what’s going on”. And was legitimately surprised at the “other” major plot twist. Huzzah!

As for me, Hilton was absolutely correct in saying that VI is far better with the extended “flashback” story of II and III.  Luke’s struggle to save his father seemed all the more noble, his conflict that much more meaningful knowing how bad his father failed, and the overall conclusion that much more wretched due to Lucas’s post-release vomit-fest of an edited celebration.

So, of course, I wrote drinking game rules for the saga. Some rules can span multiple films, but I’ve grouped them for meaningful digestion.  I hope you enjoy Machete-ing these films as much as I did, and for gods sake, save yourself some pain and get the original releases, or just get down with Episode IV + martini’s and have a blast.

Drink every time…

Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope

  • There is a blaster casualty
  • A main character appears on screen or is introduced for the first time
  • R2D2′s third leg is exposed
  • Luke displays childlike naivety
  • Darth Vader chokes-a-bitch
  • “I have a bad feeling about this”

DEATH RULE

Drink every time you see spaceship thrusters.

Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back

  • Sexual tension/insinuation appears
  • Anyone says “Degobah”
  • You see an impressive demonstration/use of the Force
  • The hyperdrive fails

DEATH RULE

Drink every time a stormtrooper perishes.

Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones

  • Anakin’s rattail is exposed
  • Anakin is referred to as “Annie”
  • Obi-Wan is a baller
  • Anyone is sitting in a group making administrative decisions

DEATH RULE

Drink for egregious lightsaber twirling.

Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith

  • Anyone is sitting in a group making administrative decisions (really George? REALLY?)
  • The Force reveals the future, or the future revealed by the Force occurs
  • Yoda’s talking method is abused by the script writers
  • Darth Vader chokes-a-bitch

DEATH RULE

Drink every time a dialogue’s primary intent is to entertain children.

Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi

  • Jabba or his pet laughs
  • Anyone says “master”
  • Anyone says “father”
  • Anytime an Ewok dies, or if you think an Ewok has been killed

DEATH RULE

Drink every time you catch yourself hoping/praying that J.J. Abrams’s Star Wars reboot is as good and well-received as Star Trek.

Don’t Call Him Icebox

by: Marahute - October 31st, 2012   1 Comment

His name is Icepack.

No that’s Iceman. He flys F14′s with non “dangerous” pilots because flying fighter jets is a safe profession.

He’s a volunteer self masochister.  Not scared of pain. He welcomes it.  With his face slightly tilted to one side as if to say punch my god damn face, please…just….do it. 

Every so often, you find someone who pleasantly surprises you like a firm ballbusting grab of the groin.

I had the pleasure of meeting Icepack through a mutual friend at “The Dead Poet” in NYC.  The first utterance out of his mouth was “Your brother is a beautiful fucking idiot.”  I knew then that this creature was special.

The rest of the night consisted of performing self castrations with each passing sentence.  He lives life without hope, dreams, or a vague indication that he will ever find glimpses of happiness.  No amount of money would be enough cause he couldn’t spend it.  A Porsche is just a nuisance pile of turd metal that needs to be moved of every other day to the correct side of the street.  When everyone else watches “Pays It Forward” he sees the albino from “The Da Vinci Code” flagellating himself.

I’m not gonn give up

The culminating moment of the illustrious 8 total hours mostly of listening to the man still referred to as Icepack was better than a pro-life next to an anti-life rally.

Bars packed with sucking on the teet of life post hurricane survivors.  Game time decisions were made and no one was spared.

  • Bottle of Seagrams: PURCHASED  
  • Apartment: FOUND
  • Mexican tortas (actually they were all out of bread but pizza): ORDERED
  • Skull shot glass and Icepack: INSTANT FRIENDS

Too soon? I mean…there still is water in Port Authority.

Over the course of the night, I sat and listened while Icepack commanded the room and all of its people.  Bucking, Joan of Arc, Genghis Khan, and Sylvester’s Stallone’s character from “Daylight” combined leadership couldn’t hold a 15$ pre storm price gouging candle to Icepack that night.
…
Stories from work, his girlfriend, fraternity members named Abraham for whatever reason was orated like a Jewish MLK Jr. on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.  Icepack had a dream that night, his dream…to kick Kate’s ass in Wii baseball.  Rolling over in laugher over his egotiscasshole comments coupled with a disgusting ass kicking, describes what follows next.
…
At the end of the night, as I walked away from from the gypsy driver who was made to hear about how much Icepack hates everyone included every person inside the cab, I knew how special it is to have men a Godfather of a man.
…
And his name is Icepack.

The Grey Drinking Game

by: Esteban - October 18th, 2012   Add Comment
the grey the movie

Woof.

At its core, The Grey is a horror movie, and a durn’ good one at that. You have the classic elements of a catastrophic event that binds an ever dwindling group of men and/or women together for survival where the plot advances via tense shock moment and the loss of a main character.  What’s in place of the supernatural presence of ghosts/zombies/vampires/werewolves are realistic arctic wolves, hell bent on protecting their territory.  I guess it’s official classification is thriller, but when you get hunted by wolves and have no weaponry to defend yourselves, it’s sounds pretty horrifying to me.

That being said, it may seem counter-intuitive to play a drinking game to a slow morose death-fest.  But you can drink to anything, and this film has brilliant and intense cinematography, spill your beer moments (party foul, finish your drink!), and Liam “I churn out great performances effortlessly” Neeson.  What else do I need to do to convince you?!?

As a new release, many of you may not have seen this one.  If you like gripping films that may surprise you, give it a shot.  And bring some mini bottles of liquor with you.  Ya’ never know when they might come in handy.

Drink every time…

  • Wolves howl
  • There is a flashback/vision of better times
  • A fire is built
  • Someone disagrees with Liam Neeson
  • A wolf or a human dies
  • you see a dead body

DEATH RULE

Drink every time someone curses.

The Three Musketeers Drinking Game

by: Betty - October 16th, 2012   1 Comment
the three musketeers

Editor’s note: Don’t forget Bryan Adams/Rod Stewart/Sting’s collaborative single from the soundtrack, “All for Love.”

All for one, and one for all!

When my mom made my brothers and I watch “The Three Musketeers” (1993) as kids, I thought she was crazy. Little did I realize the genius in her, embedding in me values like, “all for one and one for all!”, and learning valuable skills such as, “the art of wenching”. A film with Charlie Sheen as the musketeer telling others to “go with God”, Kiefer Sutherland as the musketeer who is haunted by his broken heart, and Chris O’Donnell playing the feisty D’Artagnan, living out his dream of being a musketeer!!! If you drank every time I wrote “musketeer” or “D’Artagnan” in that sentence, you’re already on your A-Game.

Esteban and I argue whether this or “Last of the Mohicans” is the best drinking game. I would argue that LOTM is the best, but that “The Three Musketeers” is, by far, the most absurd. The reason? You can get shit-faced playing with only the death rule. The first time I played was with my older brother/author of this great website, and all we had in the house was a variety pack of Mike’s Hard lemonades (Mama only made that mistake once). We came up with five rules total. We were obviously underestimating the musketeers, because halfway through the movie we were literally in tears. Mostly because of the sugar from the Mikes’… but little did we know what the musketeers had in store for us.

I could not be more honored to share my favorite drinking game of all time with Esteban’s followers.

Drink every time...

  • There is a reference to the motto “All for one, and one for all!”
  • There is any physical injury
  • Cardinal Richelieu makes a pass at the queen
  • Porthos mentions a gift/weapon given to him by someone important/made up

DEATH RULE XXX (frankly the only rule you need)

  • Drink every time someone says “Musketeer” or “D’Artagnan”.