The latest version of Columbus Day is upon us, the celebration of the man who risked it all to sail for weeks into the unknown, searching for riches beyond reality. The results of discovering the new world were disastrous for the natives, beneficial for Europeans, and mostly met with apathy for history and gratitude to the federal government for granting a longer weekend for our precious schoolchildren by today’s population.
Before there was Gladiator and G.I. Jane, Ridley Scott tried his hand at an epic called 1492: Conquest of Paradise, released by Paramount to celebrate the 500th anniversary of Columbus’ “discovery”. This movie lost nearly 40 million dollars, more than double the highest estimates of the original population of Natives living in North America. Karma’s a bitch, eh?
Nothing can get you excited for indigenous imperialism (and Portuguese Socialism) like the score for 1492 can. Echoing themes of the Hunt for Red October, the songs match with the epic scenes perfectly, setting the stage for even better work on subsequent Scott films.
Unfortunately, sitting through this slog of an epic is difficult. Chris Columbus is almost as difficult to understand as the drunken Irish chauffeur in The Quiet Man, and Queen Isabella’s personality is laughable in its lack of elitism. But there is a lesson to be learned. Did you know that Columbus didn’t originally instigate any violence, it was Count de Rochefort of Musketeers fame? That evil bastard couldn’t help himself, he just demanded respect and some indigenous action.
No-one needs an excuse to imbibe, so this Columbus Day, enhance your high and celebrate by shedding some light on history and watching this film with some ales.
Drink every time:
- Anyone makes a reference to the earth being round
- Inquisitional behavior occurs
- Ridley Scott shoots an epic scene
- Someone says “señor”
- A horse spins around or rears
Drink any time a non-Spanish accent is spoken by a new character.
Top Gun has been a staple in my life. It’s one of those movies that subconsciously ingrains itself inside you. For all of middle school, I thought that was actually how you made out (sorry 7th grade boyfriends). I knew I had met my best friend for life when racing go-carts she screamed, “I feel the need…” and I finished, “The need, for speeeeeeeed.” I even had the first line of my online-dating profile as, “Talk to me Goose.” You’d be surprised how many men responded with, “Duck?”. *condescending frown* Someday I dream my future husband will propose to me by singing, “You’ve lost that loving feeling…” I could go on forever about my love for the cowboys of the sky.
I’ve always wanted to make a drinking game to this movie, but my request for flybys had always been negative. So I asked another Top Gun enthusiast, the formal editor of UVM’s Water Tower. He had a background in movie drinking game rules, so I knew I had come to the right place. He inspired some ideas and in the end- this is what I pulled together.
Take me to bed or lose me forever.
Drink every time…
- Someone alludes to their penis/sexual innuendo
- They high-five
- Maverick is being rebellious/dangerous
- Maverick’s dad is talked about/referred to
- Sunglasses are worn
Drink every time a call sign is used.
That’s right Ice… Man. I AM dangerous. *CHOMP*
I have an active imagination and always pictured Val at every scene just chomping after every line and Tony Scott screaming, “Goddamn-it, Val!” “Awe, come on Tony! I promise it’ll be so cool!!!”
As I begin to write this I am laying on the couch in my winter coat, layered with 3 blankets (including an electric) and a space heater blowing dry hot air onto my feet. The heater and gas are broken in the house, which is currently 40 degrees. This is how I spent last night. Luckily the Gas Man is on his way. While I wait, I’ve decided to make good use of my time and watch the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles trilogy VHS’. My love for VHS’ can be a different blog post.
As kids, my brothers loved the Ninja Turtles. My mom made them home-made costumes for Halloween one year. I was always secretly jealous and wished I could have been Mikey right along with them. They took an empty refrigerator box, and transformed it into the TMNT Van. They even let me help with coloring it and I got to play along with them. Luckily for me, their love of ninjas was deeply ingrained in me and even now, I LOVE those fucking turtles… along with every other 90s-ninja movie.
Now, everyone knows that TMNT II: Secret of the Ooze is my favorite Ninja Turtle movie. EVERYBODY CALM THE FUCK DOWN I’M NOT SAYING IT’S THE BEST. The first is obviously the best. It’s real. You feel for the turtles. You even feel for the misfit, Danny, who’s Dad is kind of a piece of shit. You wish you could talk to Splinter and tell him your family troubles and he could give you words of wisdom. You remember your unfailing love for pizza. And even I got a chubby for April O’Neil (what’s the female chubby? Nubby? Ew). Casey Jones parades in, all vigilante and greasy… All around, the first movie is the best. No one can argue that.
But come the fuck on. The Secret of the Ooze has Keno. Ernie Reyes Jr. got his promising start playing Keno, the young and enthusiastic do-gooder pizza delivery boy, “Did I mention I study Martial-Arts?” who wants to join The Turtles. This lead to my top 5 favorite movie, Surf Ninjas. I also think Donatello KILLS IT in this one. He’s such a nerd and pulls out all the puns. AND VANILLA ICE. It’s just feels so right.
All of that said, after watching the trilogy, the first is actually the best with the drinking rules. The Secret of the Ooze and TMNT III are just fun to watch if you’re a dork like me. I hope you enjoy this while getting shit-faced with your friends (or in my case, brothers) and reminiscing childhood.
Drink every time:
- Someone walks through a sewer
- Raphael is being emo
- The brothers act more like teenagers rather than turtles
- The Turtles/Splinter uses a cliche 90’s term (cowabunga, tubulurhhh)
- “Pizza” is said, or heard
Drink every time a classic “ninja” move is pulled out.
Two Words: Megaera is the Sh*t.
One of the most underrated of Disney’s 90’s revolutionary animated flicks, Hercules is a strong contender for the Disney movie I could always watch. Pre-Shrek, it caters to young and old starting with smart mythological references inserted cleverly throughout the movie and ending with sophomoric dumb henchmen Pain and Panic filling out the lower level humor for the ‘yutes’.
One rant: I don’t think Megaera should have wound up with Hercules. If we’re true to life, that sardonic lovely broken girl could never be wooed by a meathead romantic (the very type that broke her in have first place based solely off the wispy image given in Hades recant of the tale). It’s fine that they wound up together but in reality… Hercules softens her up with his innocent and she finds a mid level executive that can buy her a Saab and a nice pair of sandals every summer. Rant over.
Drink Every Time:
- Pain and Panic morph in or out
- The muses have some narration or song
- Phil is angry, perverted, reminiscent or yelling
- You notice Hercules has weird ears, feet, or knees
- Pegasus makes you laugh
Drink any time Greek/Roman culture is shown or referenced.
Have fun…hopefully you’ll have three heads like that wonderful mutt Ceberus after watching this fun, clever and under appreciated film.
Are you a winner?
It’s with a heavy heart and a late posting that I mourn the passing of Thomas Leo Clancy, author of two of the longest books I’ve ever read (Rainbow Six and The Bear and the Dragon) and of the subject of this drinking game, his first published novel: The Hunt for Red October.
Now a quick paragraph of my main man Tom. He helped catapult my interest not in just reading complex espionage stories and how government and their agencies should be run, but also in video games, with Rainbow Six for Nintendo 64, a top notch game on its own. His spin off games of Ghost Recon and Splinter Cell need no explanation, yet the video games understate how masterful his writing was. With each read chapter, you can sense the extraordinary research and dedication to the subject matter. It’s no wonder that movies based on his works are so god damned impressive and watchable.
Thus, to memorialize the spirit of a fantastic and memorable writer, I present a drinking game of epic proportions, guaranteed to have you falling out of your chair cheering for America while chugging your Busch heavies.
Drink every time:
- Location based subtitles appear on screen
- You see or hear the name of a ship
- Someone receives a new printout
- Anyone says “Ryan”, “Jack”, or “seaman”
- Alec Baldwin, Unbelievable
Drink every time a Sound Navigation and Ranging (SONAR) machine blips.
If you name a unique movie that one of the other actors in this film appear in, give a drink.